A letter from Guido

Allo everybody, I am a so happy to be a here with you again. I would a like to thank everybody, for all of a you concern over my a disappearance. I guess like a Ricky would a say, “Lucy, you a have a lot of a explaining to a do!”.

First of all, I a hope that a many of a you were not a thinking I had a something going on with that a woman, Meggie Cleary. If you a did, let a me say this to a you right a now:

“I did a not have a sex with that a woman.”

There you a go, itza worked so a well for President a Clinton, I thought I would a try it myself. Why a was I visiting that a woman and a keeping her a letters? First of all, I was afraid she a might be a member of de a Vatican’s internal affairs a Department. I thought she a might be a doing a sting on a me. So I a kept all de a evidence, justa to protect myself justa in a case she was an undercover agent. You a know, hold a you enemies a close.

Lately de a Vatican has been a using small a boys for these a stings, but you know, de a Vatican is not beneath a using a woman, no pun intended. Itza very important to de a Vatican that they a priests remain a chaste, or what a some of you might a call Christ-like.

This itza a practice that goes a way back. The first a Pope St. a Peter, he a sent out an internal affairs a person to keep a eye on a Christ. That is a right, de very a first a agent for de a Vatican internal affairs a department was Mary a Magdalene. We a don a know about her a report on a Jesus, as de Vatican, they a keep it a sealed. But de a Church is a very a serious about a keeping itza cannons a dry.

What a really happened to me? First of all, my a car, it wouldn’t start at de airport. I tried a everything, I a bless it, I a play with de a distributor cap, but a nothing would a work. While I was a working on my a car, Art a Garfunkel comes out to his a car which is a right next to a mine, and he a sees I’m having a trouble, so he a offers me a ride. This is a such an honor, this is a Art Garfunkel, he a used to be somebody a big you know, so I accept his a offer.

Along de a way Art he a starts smoking these a cigarettes, you a know de a kind you roll you a self? I did not a know it then, but de a cigarettes, they were a marijuana cigarettes. De a smoke, itza was so a thick inside of that a car, you could a cut it with a knife and make a sandwich slices out of it. This a smoke, itza must have really affected me, I was a hearing things in de a music that was a playing in his a car, that I had a never heard before, itza was a so intense. That and a those a Pop-Tarts, I had a no idea how a wonderful a Pop-Tart could a taste.

Well I a lost track of time and the next a thing I a know, Art and I are a sitting in a jail cell in up a state New York, and there were these a men in de a cell with us. Well they were a looking at us like they a might be feeling a little bit too a romantic. Maybe raping a priest might a seem a little ironic to some of a you, but it was a not on my a top 10 list of a things I a wanted to have a happen to me. Anyway, to make a long a story short, apparently I inhaled. I have a learned a very important a lesson that I want to a share with all de a young people that a read my column. If Art a Garfunkel ever a offers you a ride, justa say a no.

I have a been recalled to de a Vatican to explain all of a this to De a Pope. He is a not a very a happy man, because de a Vatican does a not believe that there is a no such a thing as bad PR. If itza okay with a him, when he gets a through with a me, hopefully I can a come back to my a regular job. So until a next time, I leave a you with a one more a piece of advice. When a you at de a airport and need to a get somewhere, even though they a smell really a bad, take a cab.

Halliburton sponsors today’s funny, not funny word: NORML?

Today's sampling of black comedy and parody laced with satire and bogus philosophy as well as pseudo politics, was brought to you by the Catholic Church, who asks you to just keep a thumpin’ and a bumpin’.

Reverend Billy Gisher is the author of “Less People Less Idiots”, and a guest blogger of "Those Bastards", who aspires to full Bastardom. Help the world to eliminate idiots, contribute your time here.