A mercy killing

For the better part of the last week I’ve been preoccupied with the sickness and resulting death of a close family member, lovingly known as old Guthrie. I must apologize to my loyal commenters for a lack of reciprocal response, during this extended family crisis.

Guthrie’s illness forced me to personally confront the subject of assisted suicide. If you should ever find yourself in this position, I will not envy you. The pain and suffering that you may experience can be well beyond the boundaries of normal human tolerance.

If you have read of news events that are somewhat similar to the predicament of Terry Schiavo’s family, then you are aware there is a crowd that will show up and create an almost carnival atmosphere with a ghoulish mix of press and protesters. Events like these are quite common these days, and a sad reflection on our general lack of privacy in this country. There’s almost no personal situation that exists, that does not have a corresponding nose, attempting to insert itself smack into the middle of matter.

Not only do these gypsies who are fond of prolonging suffering, fail to consider the suffering of those who are terminally ill, nary one moment is spent considering the suffering of the family members. I’m afraid there is simply not a shoehorn big enough to squeeze these folks into your size twelve’s.

Fortunately for the Gisher family, there would be no such circus surrounding the departure of old Guthrie. There are still more than enough Gishers located in positions of relative prominence and power, to successfully prevent the media from intruding in on our suffering. Such are the privileges that come from being a member of the upper rungs of the bourgeois. It is usually only those poor souls that are commonly referred to as “the great unwashed”, that have to suffer these indignities.

Old Guthrie was indeed suffering, and only extreme intervention was prolonging Guthrie’s life. The emotional drain on the Gishers had become unbearable, and as I am unfortunately the patriarch of this clan, both the decision, and the burden of remedy, fell entirely upon me. For over five decades, I have learned many things from observing the elders of the Gisher clan, as they dealt with many a similar crisis, and felt I was adequately prepared to assume the role.

I had seen what Guthrie’s insides looked like, and it was quite obvious there would be no miracle recovery. Quick and painless was my mantra as I loaded Guthrie into the car. I must confess I was also looking forward to the cessation of stress that Guthrie’s plight had brought upon all of the Gishers.

I found a neglected farmer’s field about 10 miles out on Route 18, and parked the car. The only sound that I could hear was the crunching of snow under my feet, as I assisted Guthrie out towards the lone birch tree at the corner of the property.

I strapped Guthrie to that birch tree with the same loving care that a mother would give to a newborn child. Guthrie had been unable to communicate for more than a week now, so I merely read the last rites, and then walked fifty paces away.

As I shouldered my shotgun, I thought to myself how grateful I was for the Second Amendment. Without any hesitation or remorse, I lined the cross hairs upon Guthrie and squeezed off just one round. The retort of the blast seemed to bounce off of the surrounding trees for minutes, but then finally a total silence came.

I could clearly see from my vantage point that one shot had done the trick, and that Guthrie’s torment had finally ended. I noticed I could breathe normally again, and it was as if a giant weight had been lifted from me. I somehow felt younger, and as each second passed, I could feel vital life energy returning to my body. I had restored peace and order to the Gisher family, and it had only required one 12-gauge slug.

Cost of gas for 20-mile trip: $2.25
Five pack of 12 gauge slugs: $4.00
One trip afterwards to CompUSA: $469.00
Blasting annoying desktop computer into oblivion: priceless.


Halliburton sponsors today’s funny, not funny words: euthanasia.

Today's sampling of black comedy and parody laced with satire and bogus philosophy as well as pseudo politics, was brought to you by the NRA, who’d like to remind you that guns can provide a public service beyond just killing people.

Reverend Billy Gisher is the author of “Less People Less Idiots®”, and a guest blogger of "Those Bastards®", who aspires to full Bastardom®. Help the world to eliminate idiots, contribute your time here.