I want my DVD

Bob and Judy spent over an hour packing the minivan for the trip to Syracuse. Even though the visit with Bob’s mom was only going to be an overnight stay, as usual they packed for a full-blown Safari. Some folks can never get too far away from their possessions.

The drive from Rochester usually took about two hours, so Judy brought her iPod, so she could fill the silence, and soothe her nerves listening to the work of the magical hands of Yanni. She felt strongly that this Greek really had a way with women.

Bob spent the first hour of the drive calling all of his clients and making sure there weren’t any fires to put out. Bob was always talking to his clients, so much so, that he sometimes had conference calls in his sleep. Bob had built this business himself, and it received the lion’s share of his attention.

When Bob finished with his last call, Judy asked him how much longer it would be before they arrived at his mother’s house. He told Judy they had at least another hour to go. Bob thought to himself that Judy was unusually verbal with him today, even though at best, she had only said six words to him since they left Rochester.

Moments later, Bob was startled when he felt something tapping him on his shoulder. Bob turned and glanced at Judy, but immediately noticed she was clutching her iPod to her chest with both hands. Suddenly, there was continued tapping upon his shoulder, and then he noticed a glow coming from the backseat.

Bob felt the hair standing up on his neck and as he jerked the wheel hard to the left, he uttered an almost primal scream. The realization that someone or something was in the back of the minivan had thrown Bob into an absolute panic.

Now the minivan was hurtling across the median of interstate 90, and before Bob had a chance to adjust to the situation, he found himself faced with oncoming traffic smack in the middle of the westbound lanes. Bob frantically worked the steering wheel both right and left, desperately trying to avoid a head-on collision. Still terrified of what may be in the back of the minivan, Bob reflexively stomped on the accelerator, as if he were trying to gain a separation between him and whatever was in the backseat.

Now driving nearly 90 mph and dodging traffic from both lanes, Judy suddenly became aware of their situation and started screaming at the top of her lungs. Both Bob and Judy were screaming as Bob narrowly avoided a semi truck, but then found he was confronting two oncoming semi trucks planted squarely in both of the westbound lanes.

Bob pulled the steering wheel hard left in a desperate attempt to avoid both trucks. This threw the minivan awkwardly upon an entrance ramp for the westbound lane. Now hurtling along at near 100 mph, by the time Bob saw the raised median coming towards them, it was too late to adjust.

Once the van came into contact with a median, it was launched into the air, and began wingless flight across the overpass. Almost in the center of the crossroad, the minivan came into contact with a semi truck that was hauling brand new iPods to their distribution center. The semi truck immediately crushed the minivan, slicing it in half, instantly killing Bob and Judy.

The rear half of the minivan spun around through the air, until it finally came to rest a good three hundred feet from the exit ramp that led up to the crossroad. It was here that Bob and Judy’s eight-year old daughter Julie was left, still sitting in her seat unharmed and without even a scratch. She continued staring at the same spot where the TV monitor originally was and said:

“Daddy, the movie stopped.”

Halliburton sponsors today’s funny, not funny word: disconnect.

Today's sampling of black comedy and parody laced with satire and bogus philosophy as well as pseudo politics was brought to you by the Ford Motor Corporation, who now offers duel DVD players for the backseats of all of our models.

Reverend Billy Gisher is the author of “Less People Less Idiots”, and a guest blogger of "Those Bastards", who aspires to full Bastardom. Help the world to eliminate idiots, contribute your time here.