The Christ in Christmas
(Gisher trots up to the podium and taps the mike)
Gisher: Good morning everybody, nice to see you all back again. OK everybody you only got one week left before Christmas. Everybody got their hearts all ready for Christmas?
(Crowd murmurs Yeah!)
Gisher: Last Sunday I told you all that I was saving something for the Christians out there, and I don’t want the rest of your brothers and sisters to close their ears, because I want EVERYBODY to hear what I am saying. This time of year is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Christ right?
(Crowd says Amen)
Gisher: I am sorry, I DIDN’T HEAR YOU!
(Crowd says AMEN!)
Well we got a bunch of people out there right now that aren’t very happy, and some of them are Christians. Some people just keep trying to cram more and more gifts into that hole in their heart, and THEY JUST CAN’T SEEM TO FILL IT!
(Crowd says AMEN!!!)
Gisher: Many of these people have lost touch with what Christmas is all about, and many of them have other problems on top of that. Maybe they put too much pressure on themselves, maybe they just do not have a clue about what love is. We’ve got PEOPLE, JUMPING OFF OF BRIDGES, WE’VE GOT PEOPLE BLOWING THEIR BRAINS OUT OF THEIR HEAD, AND YOUR BIGGEST CONCERN IS WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN GET YOUR DAMN NATIVITY SCENE UP IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MINDS?
(Crowd says AMEN!)
Gisher: Good Christians you have work to do, you should be reaching out to witness or at least help these people, show them some love…but what are you doing? HAVING PISSY FIGHTS OVER NATIVITY SCENES!
There are people who need your help, YOU HAVE GOT MUCH BETTER THINGS TO DO!
(Crowd says AMEN! AMEN!)
Gisher: Do you good Christians want a bunch of Jews TELLING YOU THAT YOU CANNOT EAT PORK, do you good Christians want to GO DOWN TO YOUR COURTHOUSE AND SEE THE WALLS COVERED WITH PROPAGANDA FROM SCIENTOLOGY? DO YOU GOOD CHRISTIANS WANT TOM CRUISE TELLING YOU THAT YOU CAN’T TAKE YOUR MESSED UP KIDS TO A SHRINK? DO YOU WANT TO GO TO YOUR CHILDREN’S SCHOOL AND SEE SATANTIC RITUALS BEING PERFORMED IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN?
(Crowd NO! NO!)
Gisher: Right now you good Christians got the right to worship God in your home, and at your church, why you can even stand on a street corner and yell about it to everybody. Screaming ain’t the best way to witness, but you can do it if you want. You can string lights up in your front yard and jack your utility bills up through the ceiling. You have the right to put up a nativity scene in your front yard. You good Christians have these rights today BECAUSE THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION PROTECTS THOSE RIGHTS FOR YOU!!! AND IF YOU KEEP TRYING TO CHANGE THE CONSTITUTION SO THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO WORSHIP IN THIS COUNTRY, ONE DAY THAT MAY BE TURNED AGAINST YOU!!!
(Crowd AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!)
Gisher: America has Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Agnostics, Atheists, Santanists, and several dozen other “ISTS” plus a bunch of Lutherans. All these good Americans DO NOT THINK THE SAME WAY, DO NOT WORSHIP THE SAME WAY. ALL OF THESE AMERICANS ARE PROTECTED BY THE CONSTITUTION, AND SO ARE YOU, The last time somebody got this much control over a diverse group of people to the level some of you good Christians would like to have, their leader was a guy NAMED ADOLF HITLER! IS THAT WHAT YOU GOOD CHRISTIANS WANT IN AMERICA? DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE ONE GROUP CAN HAUL WHOMEVER THEY WANT OFF TO CONCENTATION CAMPS?
(Crowd says NO! NO! NO!)
Gisher: You good Christians need to appreciate that the walls of your courthouse do not display a bunch of stuff YOU FIND OFFENSIVE. That’s called SEPERATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, and it protects you too. ONLY FOOLS AND MADMEN BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS THEM, WHICH ARE YOU?
(Crowd says AMEN!)
Gisher: Hopefully you were paying attention, cause I have been told, sometimes I don’t talk loud enough.
(Crowd now laughing)
Gisher: I want to finish up, by talking about love, the thing Christmas is really all about. We do just not have enough love in this world today, no we don’t. One of the biggest problems we have is we do not know how to love each other. Love is not any easy thing, no it’s not an easy thing to do either. In order to REALLY FEEL love, you have to really open your heart up to being hurt. Just like I said about political correctness, too many people are afraid of being hurt, so they wind up never knowing what love is. If you asked Jesus what love was, he might just say it was sacrifice. Love is giving, and not holding back. JESUS DIDN’T HOLD BACK!
(Crowd AMEN!!!)
Gisher: Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to play you a song about love, and what it takes. It was first written by Leonard Cohen, but I have chosen to play the version sang by another man, who performed this song as though his soul ached for every single person who has ever loved. If you have never heard this before, when you leave here today, go out and buy this record, and play it over and over again. Ladies and gentlemen, this man left us several years ago, but he left us with this, listen now to Mr. Jeff Buckley Jr.
(house lights dim all the way down and a spotlight hits this picture)
i heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah
hallelujah...
well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah
hallelujah...
baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
hallelujah...
well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah
well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
hallelujah... hallelujah... hallelujah... hallelujah... hallelu………jah...
(Applause, and it continues, as people stand up.)
THANK YOU JEFFERY! THANK YOU JESUS HALLELUJAH! Thanks all you good people out there. Put your money in the platters as you leave. HALLELUJAH! Amen. Time for the Deviled eggs Carnealian made, and don’t you go Bogarting them Chico!
Halliburton sponsors today’s funny, not funny word: passion.
Today's sampling of black comedy and parody laced with satire and bogus philosophy was brought to you by the Unholy Church of Reverend Gisher, and the Evangelical House of Those Bastards.
Help the world to eliminate idiots, contribute your time here.
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posted by rev. billy bob gisher ©2008 at 12:05 AM
17 Comments:
I dont know a more sublime and simple chant of pray than Buckley's allelujah...
I'll find Cohen's version one day or another...
If u like rocksound I suggest you a little little song from a stoner-psychedelic band called Kyuss, Palm Desert, CL, the orphic answer to Buckley's pray ...(the guitarist was Josh Homme, leader now of 'Queens of the stone age')
it' s called 'Day One' or under the name 'Rare!' on kazaalite++
(Kyuss, ...and the circus leaves town, Elektra, 1994)
i'll be darned, i will look into that, i have not heard it, i am betting it will harder to find than "mr. bungle"
AMEN Rev!!! I am big on Deviled eggs... Mmmmmm!!! I DON'T and I WON'T hold back!!!
{selina stands on pew bench and rips off clothes for Jesus}
*CLANG* *CLANG* - Clothed (and slightly blushing) Selina drops Canadian Toonies and Loonies into the Revs collection plate.
Probably won't be in church for a couple of weeks... until this all blows over.
HALLELUJAH! Rev. Hallelujah. I am dancing my ass around and out the church. (Don’t worry I did not forget the collection plate). Let’s all remember and hope that that constitution of ours stays intact. Bless us everyone :)
michelle, i got to Kyuss 's catamaran from the circus leaves town and heard buckley in them bigtime. i am still digging up info on them thanks
thanks lingo and rebecca, i could use the extra income.
Did you say ’no, this can’t happen to me,’
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn’t know him at all
You didn’t know him at all, oh, you didn’t know
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it’s over... it’s over
from buck's "last goodbye"
listening now, i miss this guy more than ever.
1) You seemed distraught that my posts are short. Sonnets are short too. This post provides an excellent proof of the dictum that bigger is not always better.
2) I'm sure you've been told this, but it's properly "fewer" people and "fewer" idiots.
Best
The Right Honorable Samuel A. Alito, Jr.
ps -- as long as you're jealous of me, you may as well know my blog is being tracked by the Library of Congress as well.
you amazing "little" prick. congradulations on your climb up the ladder. hope you get in on some of that intern action. good luck on the appointment and here's hoping you will shock the hell out of everyone when you reach the big bench, you prince of snarkiness. i suppose any moment now Dick cheney will roll in here and tell me how big he is. What a day.
If I recall my history correctly, the Nazis were actually a Christian organization. Certainly the swastika was used sometimes as a cross before WWII.
I remember when I was a kid being embarrassed by a spoon in my grandmother's collection that had a swastika on it. I wish I had that now, so's I could sell it to some skinhead. I dont care to make them happy about a new aquisition, but anything I can do to reduce the amount of money they have would be a good thing.
thanks, rev, but nana mahalo served her signature beef brisket (like leather), chicken soup and matzoh balls (like rocks), and potato pancakes (almost raw)....
on second thought, those deviled eggs sound mighty good...hey! somebody put one of them in the collection plate...! and it's rotten!
Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah, everybody!
thanks chico
dave:
the part that gets me is some bonehead always says "It says in God we trust on the back of bills"
yuppers, gotta be the biggest oversight in history. first of all i am sure God is thrilled his name is being used to peddle money, whick strikes me as a tad bit blasphemous, but nobody ever thinks of that. i am also sure that nobody asked God for permission, and I doubt he plans on stepping in if there should ever be a default. the biggest question is where is the ACLU? I will tell you where they are, out fighting frivilous suits and raising more greenbacks with slurs to non-believers printed on the back. worthless scum the ACLU.
It says "In God We Trust" on money because in America, Money is God.
sadly mostly so.
god brought onto money in late 1940's
gog brought in to pledge in 1890's
both by radical fundementalists getting out of hand.
gog? too much snow up the nose.
"If I recall my history correctly, the Nazis were actually a Christian organization. Certainly the swastika was used sometimes as a cross before WWII."
Swastika was originally a symbol of the sun in ancient jewish culture (jewish and indian...)
monstrously ironic.
it's also a type of noodle
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